The Second Family: Reckoning with Adolescent Power Book

You'll never think about teenagers the same way again In starkly explicit terms, The Second Family describes a phenomenon that until now has had no name. "The second family," as Dr. Taffel calls it, is the unprecedented, collective power of the peer group and pop culture-a force so pervasive it threatens to, and often succeeds in, overwhelming the first family of adults at home and in school. It operates according to new rules: Peer pressure, as we usually think of it, is dead. Generational warfare and rebellion are out, comfort is what kids crave. And because parents and teachers don't see them clearly, teens worship celebrity, with its implicit promise of becoming instantly "known." Derived from thousands of interviews with kids and adults, The Second Family uses real-life examples to bare the truth about the world of adolescence today. While many parents bury their heads insisting "not my child," Taffel shows how good children chronically lie without a trace of guilt, have sex at astonishingly early ages, and do alcohol and drugs not to be bad but simply because they are there. Yet, there are healthy aspects of the second family, a secret moral code of peer support that may surprise: boys and girls as best friends; boys emotionally caretaking those in need; girls as powerful group leaders. In fact, the angry, alienated face a teen shows at home is often the exact opposite of the loving, responsible person he or she secretly is in the second family. Thus, for all the negatives we ascribe to the second family, its structure also supports intimacy, communication, and honesty. Amidst this daunting reality, Taffel offers a rare combination of social commentary and concrete strategies that help prevent adolescents from entirely slipping away. Through vivid examples, he emphasizes the importance of striking a new balance between empathy and expectations, creating what he terms an "empathic envelope." Towards this end, Taffel encourages adults to battle the divisive "tyranny of cool," share "comfort time" with kids, and take a genuine interest in their world. But love and understanding need to be balanced with expectations. Kids must earn trust-work towards the privileges, privacy, and "stuff" many adolescents and adults think of as natural entitlements. Taffel also reveals the importance of home and school working in conjunction, creating community-size envelopes to counter the powerful teen network and the adolescent code of silence. It is almost impossible to understand today's teens or pre-teens without understanding the second family. A book that heals even as it shocks, The Second Family opens a window into a world of frightening dangers and equally uplifting possibilities.AUTHORBIO: Dr. Ron Taffel is a noted child and family therapist and author of Parenting by Heart, Why Parents Disagree, and Nurturing Good Children Now. He consults with and lectures at school, religious, and community organizations around the country. He is an award-winning contributing editor to Parents magazine and the founder of Family and Couples Treatment Services at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy in New York City, where he lives with his wife and children. Melinda Blau, an award-winning journalist who often specializes in parenting issues, is the author of Families Apart and Loving and Listening, as well as coauthor of several other books including Dr. Taffel's Parenting By Heart and Nurturing Good Children Now. She is the mother of two grown children and lives in Northampton, Massachusetts.Read More